Over many a New Year I found resolutions about as successful for me as diets. They work, until I eat the wrong thing and default to all or nothing thinking. My pattern is to judge myself harshly, lump this action into failing, and then seem to have a free pass to quit my diet.
I find thinking about it as an aim gives me more leeway to see my slips from a different angle. It acts more like a thermostat. My friend Jim had a great analogy about this. Imagine the thermostat is set for 72 degrees. When the temp drops to 70 the heat comes on, if it reaches 74 the cooling comes on. It adjusts, making corrections. This is the idea behind an aim. IT IS NOT ABOUT INSTANT PERFECTION. It is about noticing where you are, in relation to your aim. It is about learning to make as Jim would say, “in flight corrections.”
My first aim in 1979 was to learn how to quit arguing with my teenage daughter. I used a question, I asked myself when I was angry; Do you want to be right or do you want this relationship to work? Yes, there were times I forgot the question, but when I did the results I produced quickly reminded me of what my aim had been. Over time the question came faster and with more reliability. Learning how to speak without the upset and righteousness took me many a year before I felt I had a decent handle on it. The thing was, I started to discover how to address problems from a new place. It was a great first aim for me. It was something I desperately wanted. I kept that aim for three years.
Here is what I learned about aims. They need to be something I sincerely want. They needed to be simply stated and easily remembered. If I had to go find it, it was forgotten. It needs to give me a direction, not an ultimatum. It was useful to me in times of uncertainty.
My aim for this year? I find it best to not share my aim with but a few. Sharing it seems to weaken it for me. I tried some I should aims, but did poorly with them. Here is an aim I found useful, to be kind. Sarcasm and kindness didn’t mix well, and learning to make the shift changed my life.
Having trouble finding an aim? Maybe I can help.
Thanks Marilyn,
ReplyDeleteI like this way of changing a resolution to an aim. I have not done NY's resolutions for many years because they haven't worked for me. I also agree with you when you say sharing an aim seems to weaken if for you. I have recently discovered this for myself, that when I start to do something personal growth related it is better for me to silently do it rather than share it with my siblings and friends as I loose something when I do share it.