Releasing Jealousy

Childhood left me with trust issues that followed me into marriage. Divorce, dating and drinking did nothing to improve my ability to trust others or myself. Lack of trust fueled cynicism, temper and lowered my tolerance of others. It was an attitude that viewed the situation as though others were the cause of my feelings. They were not trustworthy, they didn’t do what they said, they were the problem. It resulted in jealousy, and trying to control things—none of it was pleasant.

A friend asked the other day if I had ever been jealous, and if so, what I did about it. Lack of trust and jealousy often hang out together.

“Do you think he is honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“So, it’s not about him, as much as it is about your fears?”

 She thought about that and realized her experience of him was that everything was good. When she was scared, though, she would find herself trying to make sure he was not doing anything that would bring up those feelings. It wasn’t about not trusting him—it was about a way to relieve her anxiety. She didn’t feel safe in certain circumstances so she tried to eliminate them. It reinforced her sense of not trusting him.

Having had similar circumstances, I shared with her how we worked through it together.  Pretending it wasn't troubling didn't work.  However, recognizing it was the anxiety it brought up that motivated my behaviors revealed my part.  He might be the trigger and the was fears, my history were the source.  Learning how to talk about my part rather than his resulted in being heard, rather than words of justifications. 


 Short circuiting this reaction required his help while moving through the emotional turbulence I seemed to have no control over. There seemed to be no way to control the negative imagination, until he could hear me and not defend himself. I had to be able to share with him and have him hear my fears, without blaming him. I wanted to let go of things that weren’t working. I wanted a partner, not someone to monitor.

Once I was able to establish my intention to let go of these fears—he was more than willing to work with me. He did not have those kind of fears. 

It was often uncomfortable for me, as he had more women friends that men. It gave me many insights into my reactions and is a piece of work that has benefited me tenfold. Amazing what can happen, when I find my part and work on it.