Releasing Jealousy

Childhood left me with trust issues that followed me into marriage. Divorce, dating and drinking did nothing to improve my ability to trust others or myself. Lack of trust fueled cynicism, temper and lowered my tolerance of others. It was an attitude that viewed the situation as though others were the cause of my feelings. They were not trustworthy, they didn’t do what they said, they were the problem. It resulted in jealousy, and trying to control things—none of it was pleasant.

A friend asked the other day if I had ever been jealous, and if so, what I did about it. Lack of trust and jealousy often hang out together.

“Do you think he is honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“So, it’s not about him, as much as it is about your fears?”

 She thought about that and realized her experience of him was that everything was good. When she was scared, though, she would find herself trying to make sure he was not doing anything that would bring up those feelings. It wasn’t about not trusting him—it was about a way to relieve her anxiety. She didn’t feel safe in certain circumstances so she tried to eliminate them. It reinforced her sense of not trusting him.

Having had similar circumstances, I shared with her how we worked through it together.  Pretending it wasn't troubling didn't work.  However, recognizing it was the anxiety it brought up that motivated my behaviors revealed my part.  He might be the trigger and the was fears, my history were the source.  Learning how to talk about my part rather than his resulted in being heard, rather than words of justifications. 


 Short circuiting this reaction required his help while moving through the emotional turbulence I seemed to have no control over. There seemed to be no way to control the negative imagination, until he could hear me and not defend himself. I had to be able to share with him and have him hear my fears, without blaming him. I wanted to let go of things that weren’t working. I wanted a partner, not someone to monitor.

Once I was able to establish my intention to let go of these fears—he was more than willing to work with me. He did not have those kind of fears. 

It was often uncomfortable for me, as he had more women friends that men. It gave me many insights into my reactions and is a piece of work that has benefited me tenfold. Amazing what can happen, when I find my part and work on it.

Partners and Problems

Here’s the problem. Two people love each other and usually do well together until what seems right to each, is not in agreement. So how do they keep from arguing with each other over who is right?   


When I am in a relationship with another and we are in disagreement, to the point that the tension can be felt between us. I find my default mode is defensive, meaning I am listening for each place I disagree; I am framing my response to defend my position. I speak/think, using the metaphors of battle. I am now acting as though one of us is right and the other wrong. This does not usually end well in my experience; and rarely produces something I want. In a relationship when one partner has a problem, both are at the effect. I find it is much easier to talk when we have a problem and we are looking for a way to resolve it.

More about this tomorrow - 

Default Attitudes

    We each have our default positions. It has become important to find mine because they define my limitations real, imagined, and/or both. They are the places where my mind is made up. They define what I believe and what I don’t.

They define the possibilities that show up in any given situation (in the moment). They are a, kind of, prerecorded set of feelings, and attitudes, followed by words that back them up. We each have them, though they can be quite different from one another’s.

Default positions can be found in likes and dislikes, expressions (physical, emotional, language). They are anyplace my reactions are. They filter the possibilities, they are the way I hear myself—inside, the habitual ways my world/life is interpreted. Are habits bad and wrong? It’s easy to default to that, and yet, it would miss the point. Habits, when not observed as habits, define choice.

Here are some examples of what has happened when operating from my defaults:

When told something I already know, I can feel self-righteous indignation come up, I internally contract, and have a thought like: What do you think, I’m stupid? I didn't get to vote on whether this response came up or not. It is an upset that looks for places to happen. Default responses are like throwing a dart with a blindfold on. Once in awhile they hit the target and more often than not they don’t.

When asked to do something my first thought is no, I consider this a default setting, as well as the answer “fine,” to how are you? I have friends whose first answer is yes which leaves them in a fix too.

Unfortunately default responses can be counter productive.  Often they are defensive or offensive.  They don't come from reflection and clarity they come from old experiences and habit.  They have left me at odds with people I care about, when I didn’t know how to go inside and find out what I would have wanted to say from my heart. Striking back from a reaction is no longer anything I am interested in nurturing. I work at setting my boundaries while speaking from my heart, not from some habitual defense posture that damages others.