Do We Know Better?

photo by narghee-la

I was sitting with a woman the other day who was busy telling me of her failings. Of how she knew better and didn’t understand why she kept making the same mistake.

It was true—she did not understand. And yet the unspoken message of her tone was one of self judgment, not that of someone who had more to learn.

“She knew better” she said, judging herself and dismissing all the other competing feelings and thoughts. Her body slumping, in its own response. I have been in that place too many times not to recognize it. Thinking about what I should have done—mad at myself for not doing it different.

Do we know better? Aren’t there different levels of knowing? Intellectual knowledge, without experience cannot produce the same understanding as that with experience. In the doing comes the understanding. This is how the nutrients of knowledge are digested.

Judging ourself by the standard of know better, when in fact, we have not put in the time breaking an old pattern can, and often does, short circuit our effort to learn. Think about this: when you have actually learned something better, don’t you use it?

Like an addiction, habitual ways of operating are the defaults that come to us in the moment. They take effort to overcome and time is a factor. In the realm of behavioral changes it is useful to understand what one is up against. Who amongst us has not tried to change some behavior only to discover how persistent it can be? How it happens before we think, or the will power we need in the moment is not there.

It is not unusual to find a default setting of judgment toward ourself and/or others when expectations are not met. Check it out for yourself. How often does judgment toward your self or others produce what you want?

Learning to be patient with yourself and others is not easy. It does however allow one to observe behavior, without falling into the sinkhole of judgment. Learning to think before speaking is easier said than done. Learning to act in another way comes through practice and making mistakes. Ease up on yourself… and others.

What Are You Aiming For - Win/Lose or Resolution

There you are in the middle of an argument you are poised to deliver the quintessential response. You do. You won… but what did you win?

I suspect most of us have been on one side of this, or the other.

Difficult conversations, tend to be with those close to us. They often seem to erupt; causing more problems than solutions. The eruption confirms our fear of discussing it in the first place. This scenario can have many variations. It fundamentally forms a pattern that keeps us stuck in frustration and resentment; not knowing how to be different. If this sounds familiar to you and you are looking for some alternatives here are some things to think about.

When a conversation becomes about yes/no, right/wrong, good/bad, it is in duality. Do not mistake this for seeking resolution. It has become about winning and losing. Is this the direction your heart wants to take? Remember, the attitude of the arrow determines the direction it takes.

Why is it we tell people things they don’t want to hear AND we want them to be okay with it? Are we okay with it? It can be incredibly uncomfortable to just be with another’s upset? Do you have room to let them have their feelings? Do you want them to let you have yours?

A common default assumption is: people consciously intend to hurt or offend us. Investigating this has led me to believe that the internal intention is born of wanting to back the other off. How one is affected by that is the collateral damage, not the intent. They don’t get up saying how can I get them. This does not stop it from happening, so what to do about it?

Here is a question I have found invaluable, when someone I care about is doing something that is upsetting for me. 

Did you know, when you do________________ I feel______________. Is that what you meant to have happen? Whatever the answer is (I usually found it to be no.) Ask them if they would be willing to not do that, or do it another way? When doing this from sincerity I find people to be open and engaging with me. If they say yes, I follow it up with; would it be okay to remind you, if you forget?  If they say no, it is good information to have. 

This is a tool I have used for many years now and found it works far better than my win/lose default that left me feeling empty all too often. If you try this out, please let me know how it works for you.  


Photo by Craig Loftus on flicker

3 Ways to Learn More

NOVEMBER 27, 1949 It is not necessary to give up one's own point of view, nor to agree with other people just because one likes them. From my point of view, what makes the work of a group much more interesting than that of an individual, is that each person should find in himself his own sincere viewpoint, which is peculiarly his, and contribute it to the whole— in this way the whole becomes rich and balanced.           Rodney Collin Smith

Sounds good. Putting it into practice has been more difficult than imagined. It requires remembering to let in what the other say, to imagine their perspective, and add it while respecting my own. This is not my default position.

A common default way of listening is, do I agree or disagree, am I right or wrong. It is the all or nothing position of duality. Listening as a collaborative experience can be uncomfortable. Internally it brings a physical and emotional tension that cues my defenses--wanted or not. It costs the ability to learn about myself and others.

Taming the instant, aggressive/defensive reactions that charge my body and ready it for retort, is a work in progress. Holding back a reaction and doing something different takes an effort that needs to be developed. 


Here are some things I have found helpful.

1. Listen for information rather than agreement.

2. Recognize different positions reflect what is seen by the viewer. 


Imagine a ball that is red on one side and blue on the other. Two people are             standing on either side of the ball, one seeing only red, the other only blue. They are arguing over who is right. This represents a fundamental difficulty we have in effective communication.

3. Notice ego is often dominant when one is speaking from duality.

Mining Upsets - Finding Gold

It was years before realizing the wealth of knowledge available from upsets. Upsets often formed my attitude. The more upsets, the worse the attitude. They were the bane of my happiness, until…  discovering how ripe they were with information.

Know thyself is an old adage dating back to the Oracle of Delphi. Great idea, but how does one go about it? How does one examine without bias, without the duality of good and bad, right and wrong? My mind went there like a wheel finds a rut. Finding a way out of the rut seemed to take place in stages.

The first element came when, one day in an instant, my mood shifted from excited to deflated in seconds. It was startling.  There was a dual experience of both having the experience and watching it at the same time.  It happened like this. 

I had written a letter to handle an out of state speeding ticket; and was feeling proud of myself. When my husband arrived home for lunch I showed it to him. He reached for the red pen in his pocket protector and began making corrections. Each red line dropped me lower.

Form the eyes of the witness within came a question I have carried with me from that day forward. What just happened to me? The question took me back to an incident I hadn’t thought of in over 30 years. It was an old and familiar reaction. The observation was intriguing. I had not noticed the automatic way one mood usurped another. It just happened and usually I thought the mood was me.

The question set me on a different course; one that revealed a different perspective. It was a fresh angle that brought old information into a new light, opening a path to self understanding and compassion rather than judgment. I was learning rather than reaffirming a perspective that had not served me in the past, nor did I think it could in my future. It was the beginning of what I have named my neutral observer within. 

3 Barriers to Learning

Once in awhile I would see something that had alluded me for years. I spent the first 40 years of my life without noticing how fruitless many of my strategies were. Not that I recognized them as strategies at the time. 

When other’s upset me, my reaction was often to let them know the error of their ways. I wanted them to do something different… they needed to change. The fact that this rarely if ever changed things seemed to escape me. Then one day I saw the underlying assumption I had accepted. If I could get others to behave the way I wanted, I would not have to feel what I didn’t want to feel. As soon as I was able to but it together in that way, the absurdity of it struck me.

Another ah-ha came when I realized I was often defending behavior I did not like in others or want in myself. This was difficult to stop as it felt like losing to not give my reasons and justifications. It took some work to keep excuses from leaking out of my mouth. It was however, eye opening and vital to discovering my part in what wasn’t working.

Last for today, and perhaps the most empowering to me, was the discovery that when my opinion differed from another’s and they were right it did not automatically mean I was wrong. Learning to learn from differences and to add perspectives continues to enrich my understanding.  

One Way to Avoid Self Sabotage

One of the more frequent ways I self sabotage is related to self judgment and the lack of a clear distinction between what I think I know, and what I’m skilled at… and how they relate to each other.

Here is an example: Suppose I am an airplane buff; I’ve read everything I could find about flying planes. I consider myself quite knowledgeable in this area. Imagine I had even been up in a plane, in the co-pilots seat a couple of times and watched another fly. I have even taken the wheel. I know the rules and all about the plane I want to fly. Would you want to go on a flight with me piloting the plane?

If you said yes; I hope your life insurance is paid up.

When it comes to dealing with people and situations that stir up my emotions. I frequently think I (should) know how to do something different. The thought alone can be enough to drop me into defeat and/or defense.

Knowing and doing, together, produce quite different results than either alone. Together I develop understanding (knowledge and experience).

Yet, time after time after time, I spoke from an unnoticed assumption; since I knew better, I should do better. In speaking/thinking from that position my focus slipped back to judgment of myself and/or the other. Judge and jury yammered in my mind about what was wrong with me and/or the other. They came uninvited; distracting me from self observation.

The more I watched this behavior the less I wanted it. It finally dawned on me that when I actually digested something, it became a part of me that was available when I needed it. Until that time it lived as a concept in the domain of my mind. It had not become part of my being. When what I know has not permeated my being, thinking I know already sabotages my effort to learn.

When a toddler is learning to walk, I don’t make him wrong for falling down. I assure him he needs to keep trying. If he walked yesterday and falls today, I don’t think he is bad. Learning to treat my own work from that same place keeps me from sabotaging my efforts. I invite you to try it.

Be kind to yourself it will help you understand others.  

3 Things to Steer Clear Of

Fostering negativity is as wise as walking alone in a bad neighborhood at night. The chances of coming out of either unscathed is questionable. Negativity is an undeniable aspect of life that left unnoticed drags one through misery. Just as the eyes are drawn to an accident, there is a temptation to wallow in misfortune. Many among us have spent enough time there to be familiar with the experience. Mine was the story of the victim.

The sad tale of an abandoned child. It was used to justify the rage I carried as a young adult. It supported feeling righteous and hid my part behind excuses Seeing life as a victim  made acts of anger at others acceptable, even deserved. 

Another sink hole to avoid is negative imagination. This is where bad outcomes are conjured in the mind, one after another. It is me making up what something means, what someone thinks, maybe what they will do.  The mind plays out unwanted scenarios spinning problems in every direction. It did not occur to me to imagine what I wanted. My default position was to imagine the worst outcomes, the ones I didn’t want.

The third, for today, is resentments. They show up often when feeling  obligated (it’s the right thing to do) and not appreciated. It can be the agreement to do something and later feeling duped, used, and/or unappreciated. Like a slight of hand misdirection it keeps the focus external. Resentments are sometimes the result of not being able to say no when I need to. And, as long as I focus on them, I am not figuring out how I might have set my boundaries.

How do you stay out of negativity? 
It would be wonderful to know how you combat any of these scenarios. 

3 Habits that Cause Problems

How many times I hear people upset about things they have either no power to change or ones they are unwilling to do the work to change. Think about how much energy is used in this strange diatribe that permeates so many of us. The only person I truly have power over in my life is me—and that feels sketchy at times.

When life is not meeting my expectations it is probably time to examine them rather than rant or drop into a funk. I have found my efforts to change life have proved fruitless and frustrating. This is not difficult to verify, and yet it escapes the attention it deserves. A blind spot in the psyche?

Equally counterproductive is self judgment. It is the cat of nine tails used to beat ourself up with. If it changed things I would be all for it. In my experience self judgment reeks havoc with making changes. Yep, that's what I said. Think about it. There you are going about your life and you find yourself in one of those, what was I thinking moments. And, the next thing you know you are busy berating yourself… then what?

For me, after that is labeling myself bad and/or wrong. At which point my clarity of thought, and call to action vanish. Things grind to a halt and the failing I have experienced moves into the pile used to affirm my inadequacies.

Here is a thought, review the problem and ask yourself how you might have done it different.

Third on today's list is giving unsolicited advice. My tendency to do this has required attention to making a change. Many of us like to tell others what they should do. How many of us think it is helpful when we are on the other end of it? Since this work is my passion it takes a kind of vigilance to hold back advice and ask if the other wants some feedback. I have found learning to do this has been a relationship saver.

While making the effort to do any of these is a big job. They each seem to bring serenity into my life and those who are around me. What have you let go of that has made a difference for you? 

Partners and Problems

Here’s the problem. Two people love each other and usually do well together until what seems right to each, is not in agreement. So how do they keep from arguing with each other over who is right?   


When I am in a relationship with another and we are in disagreement, to the point that the tension can be felt between us. I find my default mode is defensive, meaning I am listening for each place I disagree; I am framing my response to defend my position. I speak/think, using the metaphors of battle. I am now acting as though one of us is right and the other wrong. This does not usually end well in my experience; and rarely produces something I want. In a relationship when one partner has a problem, both are at the effect. I find it is much easier to talk when we have a problem and we are looking for a way to resolve it.

More about this tomorrow - 

Feels real--is it?

   One of the things that caught me off guard often was the automatic way I assumed that because I had some particular feeling the thoughts I had about it were real. If I was angry it followed (in my mind) I had a good reason to be. If I was scared, was the threat real? Observing my reaction to things over time led to some interesting realizations.

My emotions, are real; whether the cause is real or not. My body responds chemically and my breathing changes.  The reality of the sensations brings a sense of reality to the reason(s) that flood my mind. While I might have seen this at times in my life I had not pondered how it was the underpinning to many unnecessary upsets. Feelings were often prompted by familiar signals that I reacted to before there was time to think about the situation. I could be angry because of an assumption I was making. The anger was real whether the assumption was true or not.

This finding for me opened a door to making changes I had not considered before. My emotions happen so much faster than my ability to think things through.  Letting this truth seep in has allowed me to shake lose of some of those automatic upsets I had not known how to release.

Default Attitudes

    We each have our default positions. It has become important to find mine because they define my limitations real, imagined, and/or both. They are the places where my mind is made up. They define what I believe and what I don’t.

They define the possibilities that show up in any given situation (in the moment). They are a, kind of, prerecorded set of feelings, and attitudes, followed by words that back them up. We each have them, though they can be quite different from one another’s.

Default positions can be found in likes and dislikes, expressions (physical, emotional, language). They are anyplace my reactions are. They filter the possibilities, they are the way I hear myself—inside, the habitual ways my world/life is interpreted. Are habits bad and wrong? It’s easy to default to that, and yet, it would miss the point. Habits, when not observed as habits, define choice.

Here are some examples of what has happened when operating from my defaults:

When told something I already know, I can feel self-righteous indignation come up, I internally contract, and have a thought like: What do you think, I’m stupid? I didn't get to vote on whether this response came up or not. It is an upset that looks for places to happen. Default responses are like throwing a dart with a blindfold on. Once in awhile they hit the target and more often than not they don’t.

When asked to do something my first thought is no, I consider this a default setting, as well as the answer “fine,” to how are you? I have friends whose first answer is yes which leaves them in a fix too.

Unfortunately default responses can be counter productive.  Often they are defensive or offensive.  They don't come from reflection and clarity they come from old experiences and habit.  They have left me at odds with people I care about, when I didn’t know how to go inside and find out what I would have wanted to say from my heart. Striking back from a reaction is no longer anything I am interested in nurturing. I work at setting my boundaries while speaking from my heart, not from some habitual defense posture that damages others.