3 Barriers to Learning

Once in awhile I would see something that had alluded me for years. I spent the first 40 years of my life without noticing how fruitless many of my strategies were. Not that I recognized them as strategies at the time. 

When other’s upset me, my reaction was often to let them know the error of their ways. I wanted them to do something different… they needed to change. The fact that this rarely if ever changed things seemed to escape me. Then one day I saw the underlying assumption I had accepted. If I could get others to behave the way I wanted, I would not have to feel what I didn’t want to feel. As soon as I was able to but it together in that way, the absurdity of it struck me.

Another ah-ha came when I realized I was often defending behavior I did not like in others or want in myself. This was difficult to stop as it felt like losing to not give my reasons and justifications. It took some work to keep excuses from leaking out of my mouth. It was however, eye opening and vital to discovering my part in what wasn’t working.

Last for today, and perhaps the most empowering to me, was the discovery that when my opinion differed from another’s and they were right it did not automatically mean I was wrong. Learning to learn from differences and to add perspectives continues to enrich my understanding.  

3 Habits that Cause Problems

How many times I hear people upset about things they have either no power to change or ones they are unwilling to do the work to change. Think about how much energy is used in this strange diatribe that permeates so many of us. The only person I truly have power over in my life is me—and that feels sketchy at times.

When life is not meeting my expectations it is probably time to examine them rather than rant or drop into a funk. I have found my efforts to change life have proved fruitless and frustrating. This is not difficult to verify, and yet it escapes the attention it deserves. A blind spot in the psyche?

Equally counterproductive is self judgment. It is the cat of nine tails used to beat ourself up with. If it changed things I would be all for it. In my experience self judgment reeks havoc with making changes. Yep, that's what I said. Think about it. There you are going about your life and you find yourself in one of those, what was I thinking moments. And, the next thing you know you are busy berating yourself… then what?

For me, after that is labeling myself bad and/or wrong. At which point my clarity of thought, and call to action vanish. Things grind to a halt and the failing I have experienced moves into the pile used to affirm my inadequacies.

Here is a thought, review the problem and ask yourself how you might have done it different.

Third on today's list is giving unsolicited advice. My tendency to do this has required attention to making a change. Many of us like to tell others what they should do. How many of us think it is helpful when we are on the other end of it? Since this work is my passion it takes a kind of vigilance to hold back advice and ask if the other wants some feedback. I have found learning to do this has been a relationship saver.

While making the effort to do any of these is a big job. They each seem to bring serenity into my life and those who are around me. What have you let go of that has made a difference for you? 

Partners and Problems - Listening

    When an issue comes up between me and another, my default position is defense. Usually so is theirs. I have discovered I am not listening to what happened to them when I am in the middle of explaining my side/position. And… I do not feel heard when they are explaining their side/position.

When someone is talking about me, it is difficult to hear it about them. Yet, when I can it reveals their perception of me. It is how they have heard or seen me, it is how I appear to them. Now the big question for me becomes, what was my part in that perception? Uncomfortable as this was for me in the beginning I eventually was able to see how my reactions kept me from learning. I can not let go of something I defend and the other cannot be heard as long as I refuse to acknowledge the effect it had. 

Strange and Common Notions

  As my skill observing (without judgment) increased, I saw how predictable many of my feelings were. 


   I remember thinking/imagining I did not get angry often, so when I did, it was righteous anger. Given that something upset me that much, I must be right about it. This was not said outright; it is my default attitude. It’s where the energy, in the words come from. Paying attention (being present) to the impressions coming and the instantaneous reactions to them allowed  discovery of the routines that kicked-in when reactivated. What I thought of as seldom was a distortion.

Observing this act (behavior) and asking the question, did it produce what I wanted. I realized it usually left a bad taste in the relationship. Not the result I wanted. My success rate with changing others was so poor I can’t remember it working.

Ah-ha, the premise was based on the idea that if I could get them to do things the way I wanted; I wouldn’t have to feel the way I did. 


    It is one of those strange notions I lived from and did not think about. It is a common practice to see people try to change others so they don’t have to be upset by them. Saying it out loud; it sounds crazy.

Have you noticed any strange notions?