3 Barriers to Learning

Once in awhile I would see something that had alluded me for years. I spent the first 40 years of my life without noticing how fruitless many of my strategies were. Not that I recognized them as strategies at the time. 

When other’s upset me, my reaction was often to let them know the error of their ways. I wanted them to do something different… they needed to change. The fact that this rarely if ever changed things seemed to escape me. Then one day I saw the underlying assumption I had accepted. If I could get others to behave the way I wanted, I would not have to feel what I didn’t want to feel. As soon as I was able to but it together in that way, the absurdity of it struck me.

Another ah-ha came when I realized I was often defending behavior I did not like in others or want in myself. This was difficult to stop as it felt like losing to not give my reasons and justifications. It took some work to keep excuses from leaking out of my mouth. It was however, eye opening and vital to discovering my part in what wasn’t working.

Last for today, and perhaps the most empowering to me, was the discovery that when my opinion differed from another’s and they were right it did not automatically mean I was wrong. Learning to learn from differences and to add perspectives continues to enrich my understanding.  

One Way to Avoid Self Sabotage

One of the more frequent ways I self sabotage is related to self judgment and the lack of a clear distinction between what I think I know, and what I’m skilled at… and how they relate to each other.

Here is an example: Suppose I am an airplane buff; I’ve read everything I could find about flying planes. I consider myself quite knowledgeable in this area. Imagine I had even been up in a plane, in the co-pilots seat a couple of times and watched another fly. I have even taken the wheel. I know the rules and all about the plane I want to fly. Would you want to go on a flight with me piloting the plane?

If you said yes; I hope your life insurance is paid up.

When it comes to dealing with people and situations that stir up my emotions. I frequently think I (should) know how to do something different. The thought alone can be enough to drop me into defeat and/or defense.

Knowing and doing, together, produce quite different results than either alone. Together I develop understanding (knowledge and experience).

Yet, time after time after time, I spoke from an unnoticed assumption; since I knew better, I should do better. In speaking/thinking from that position my focus slipped back to judgment of myself and/or the other. Judge and jury yammered in my mind about what was wrong with me and/or the other. They came uninvited; distracting me from self observation.

The more I watched this behavior the less I wanted it. It finally dawned on me that when I actually digested something, it became a part of me that was available when I needed it. Until that time it lived as a concept in the domain of my mind. It had not become part of my being. When what I know has not permeated my being, thinking I know already sabotages my effort to learn.

When a toddler is learning to walk, I don’t make him wrong for falling down. I assure him he needs to keep trying. If he walked yesterday and falls today, I don’t think he is bad. Learning to treat my own work from that same place keeps me from sabotaging my efforts. I invite you to try it.

Be kind to yourself it will help you understand others.