3 Ways to Learn More

NOVEMBER 27, 1949 It is not necessary to give up one's own point of view, nor to agree with other people just because one likes them. From my point of view, what makes the work of a group much more interesting than that of an individual, is that each person should find in himself his own sincere viewpoint, which is peculiarly his, and contribute it to the whole— in this way the whole becomes rich and balanced.           Rodney Collin Smith

Sounds good. Putting it into practice has been more difficult than imagined. It requires remembering to let in what the other say, to imagine their perspective, and add it while respecting my own. This is not my default position.

A common default way of listening is, do I agree or disagree, am I right or wrong. It is the all or nothing position of duality. Listening as a collaborative experience can be uncomfortable. Internally it brings a physical and emotional tension that cues my defenses--wanted or not. It costs the ability to learn about myself and others.

Taming the instant, aggressive/defensive reactions that charge my body and ready it for retort, is a work in progress. Holding back a reaction and doing something different takes an effort that needs to be developed. 


Here are some things I have found helpful.

1. Listen for information rather than agreement.

2. Recognize different positions reflect what is seen by the viewer. 


Imagine a ball that is red on one side and blue on the other. Two people are             standing on either side of the ball, one seeing only red, the other only blue. They are arguing over who is right. This represents a fundamental difficulty we have in effective communication.

3. Notice ego is often dominant when one is speaking from duality.

Releasing Jealousy

Childhood left me with trust issues that followed me into marriage. Divorce, dating and drinking did nothing to improve my ability to trust others or myself. Lack of trust fueled cynicism, temper and lowered my tolerance of others. It was an attitude that viewed the situation as though others were the cause of my feelings. They were not trustworthy, they didn’t do what they said, they were the problem. It resulted in jealousy, and trying to control things—none of it was pleasant.

A friend asked the other day if I had ever been jealous, and if so, what I did about it. Lack of trust and jealousy often hang out together.

“Do you think he is honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“So, it’s not about him, as much as it is about your fears?”

 She thought about that and realized her experience of him was that everything was good. When she was scared, though, she would find herself trying to make sure he was not doing anything that would bring up those feelings. It wasn’t about not trusting him—it was about a way to relieve her anxiety. She didn’t feel safe in certain circumstances so she tried to eliminate them. It reinforced her sense of not trusting him.

Having had similar circumstances, I shared with her how we worked through it together.  Pretending it wasn't troubling didn't work.  However, recognizing it was the anxiety it brought up that motivated my behaviors revealed my part.  He might be the trigger and the was fears, my history were the source.  Learning how to talk about my part rather than his resulted in being heard, rather than words of justifications. 


 Short circuiting this reaction required his help while moving through the emotional turbulence I seemed to have no control over. There seemed to be no way to control the negative imagination, until he could hear me and not defend himself. I had to be able to share with him and have him hear my fears, without blaming him. I wanted to let go of things that weren’t working. I wanted a partner, not someone to monitor.

Once I was able to establish my intention to let go of these fears—he was more than willing to work with me. He did not have those kind of fears. 

It was often uncomfortable for me, as he had more women friends that men. It gave me many insights into my reactions and is a piece of work that has benefited me tenfold. Amazing what can happen, when I find my part and work on it.

3 Habits that Cause Problems

How many times I hear people upset about things they have either no power to change or ones they are unwilling to do the work to change. Think about how much energy is used in this strange diatribe that permeates so many of us. The only person I truly have power over in my life is me—and that feels sketchy at times.

When life is not meeting my expectations it is probably time to examine them rather than rant or drop into a funk. I have found my efforts to change life have proved fruitless and frustrating. This is not difficult to verify, and yet it escapes the attention it deserves. A blind spot in the psyche?

Equally counterproductive is self judgment. It is the cat of nine tails used to beat ourself up with. If it changed things I would be all for it. In my experience self judgment reeks havoc with making changes. Yep, that's what I said. Think about it. There you are going about your life and you find yourself in one of those, what was I thinking moments. And, the next thing you know you are busy berating yourself… then what?

For me, after that is labeling myself bad and/or wrong. At which point my clarity of thought, and call to action vanish. Things grind to a halt and the failing I have experienced moves into the pile used to affirm my inadequacies.

Here is a thought, review the problem and ask yourself how you might have done it different.

Third on today's list is giving unsolicited advice. My tendency to do this has required attention to making a change. Many of us like to tell others what they should do. How many of us think it is helpful when we are on the other end of it? Since this work is my passion it takes a kind of vigilance to hold back advice and ask if the other wants some feedback. I have found learning to do this has been a relationship saver.

While making the effort to do any of these is a big job. They each seem to bring serenity into my life and those who are around me. What have you let go of that has made a difference for you? 

What are you listening for?

Do you listen in a way that creates problems?

Things done habitually fade into a kind of white noise background that I cease being aware of; unless something unusual alerts me and/or I place attention on it. Included in this are the habits of listening acquired over time. I have learned to check in with myself after a conversation goes south, meaning I became defensive, offensive and/or both. I have discovered three common ways I listen that take me where I don’t want to go:

1. I listen to see whether I agreed or not.

2. I listen to see if they thought I was at fault 

   for something.

3. I listen to be right.

It was all about me when that happened. This way of listening is definitely my default setting when my attention is elsewhere. No matter what kind of defense I used it rarely made anything better. It did not produce what I wanted.

I learned to listen for what they were feeling, were the angry, hurt, felt demeaned by some way I had acted? Had I meant to have them feel the way they did? These were different ways to relate to an old problem. If I didn’t want the result I had to try new things. I saw their responses as a combination of what I put out and how they were wired. When I stopped justifying, I caught glimpses of what they had witnessed. I could see how I came off to them. Many times it was unpleasant to look at.

Early in working with this it all happened after the fact. The incident would occur, the reaction would take place and I would blame myself for not knowing how to stop it. Now I’m not so afraid to discover where I have been a bulldozer or a jerk. I’m not so invested in keeping those behaviors any more. 

No correcting If there's no problem

    It would appear to me, I was doing fine; then someone or something would come along and upset the applecart. ‘They’ acted someway I did not expect; they were the source of my problem.

My initial reaction to problems had been to see them as taking place outside me; they were caused by others. This view placed me in the familiar role of victim—justifying any retribution I saw fit to express. I could then be self-righteously rude and feel good about it. This perspective gave me no insight into my part in the play. It was about as useful as looking for dropped keys at night, underneath a streetlight, when they have fallen in the dark of the grass.

I needed to look at whether the result I produced was the one I wanted. Perhaps I had just one-upped them, hurt their feelings, maybe I had been flip. Was that the result I wanted? Not any more, was my answer more often than not as I did more and more work in these areas. I had been defending myself for so many years it felt vulnerable to admit the problem. I was addicted to the comfort of familiarity—whether it produced the result I wanted or not.

The value I have found in looking for what is and isn’t working in my life is immense. Only when I could see how my attitudes connected to my behavior and my behaviors, connected to my results, did I see the value in acknowledging what wasn’t working.

When the default setting is blame (myself or the other) attention is hijacked from the solution. From one angle we are problem solving beings when we are not in the midst of proving whose right and whose wrong. You cannot fix what you do not see.