3 Habits that Cause Problems

How many times I hear people upset about things they have either no power to change or ones they are unwilling to do the work to change. Think about how much energy is used in this strange diatribe that permeates so many of us. The only person I truly have power over in my life is me—and that feels sketchy at times.

When life is not meeting my expectations it is probably time to examine them rather than rant or drop into a funk. I have found my efforts to change life have proved fruitless and frustrating. This is not difficult to verify, and yet it escapes the attention it deserves. A blind spot in the psyche?

Equally counterproductive is self judgment. It is the cat of nine tails used to beat ourself up with. If it changed things I would be all for it. In my experience self judgment reeks havoc with making changes. Yep, that's what I said. Think about it. There you are going about your life and you find yourself in one of those, what was I thinking moments. And, the next thing you know you are busy berating yourself… then what?

For me, after that is labeling myself bad and/or wrong. At which point my clarity of thought, and call to action vanish. Things grind to a halt and the failing I have experienced moves into the pile used to affirm my inadequacies.

Here is a thought, review the problem and ask yourself how you might have done it different.

Third on today's list is giving unsolicited advice. My tendency to do this has required attention to making a change. Many of us like to tell others what they should do. How many of us think it is helpful when we are on the other end of it? Since this work is my passion it takes a kind of vigilance to hold back advice and ask if the other wants some feedback. I have found learning to do this has been a relationship saver.

While making the effort to do any of these is a big job. They each seem to bring serenity into my life and those who are around me. What have you let go of that has made a difference for you? 

Endings and Beginnings

As the final days of the year run out it seems a fitting time to review what has been working in my life and what hasn’t. Each year I find it useful to see how I have done in regard to whatever aim I have taken on for that year. The time passes whether I have an aim or not, though for me it takes on a deeper relevance when there is something I want to work with. It is a way to direct my attention. The first time I did this was 30 years ago when I decided to live in a question. Each time I felt the urge to argue with someone I asked my self the question: Do you want to be right, or do you want this relationship to work? By the way, my answer varied dependent upon the circumstances. I kept that same question in front of me for three years while I learned to intercept default responses. Over the course of those years I learned new ways to deal with upsets that were not self righteous.

I have had many questions and aims I have worked with since then. I find they are best when they are simply stated and easily remembered. It is hard to keep an aim when it is to complex. At least for me it has been. At another time I remember working with one about feelings of competition that would arise in me. I had seen that at times that the need to win, or be best at something would feel like a force that overtook my good sense. I saw how this sensation would feel compulsive and how I behaved with others did not leave a good feeling with me.

An aim is personal and when it carries a true desire to alter some habitual behavior that no longer serves me it is a great tool. So, as the new year is right around the corner I invite you to join me in setting your own aim for the coming year. What would like like to aim for in the coming year? 

Happy Holidays

  The holidays seem to put (me) many of us into more stress than other times of the year. It is a time of expectations, family and expenditures; each with their own type of pressure. For this reason I have found it important to make sure I have some quiet time to actively engage in what I want to experience. Clearly from years past I remember the Kitchen Nazi within that seemed to make an appearance at each Christmas dinner. A few years ago, I realized how she popped up when I was preparing and serving the dinner--wringing the joy right out of me. Since then I have fired her, although she tries to grab my attention when I am not careful.

   My wish for all is that you do what you need, to make this time of year as peaceful as you can for yourself and those around. I wish you a wonderful holiday and personally I will be happy to see the new year and my newest addition to our family Evan who may just be our best Christmas present ever.

Partners and Problems - Listening

    When an issue comes up between me and another, my default position is defense. Usually so is theirs. I have discovered I am not listening to what happened to them when I am in the middle of explaining my side/position. And… I do not feel heard when they are explaining their side/position.

When someone is talking about me, it is difficult to hear it about them. Yet, when I can it reveals their perception of me. It is how they have heard or seen me, it is how I appear to them. Now the big question for me becomes, what was my part in that perception? Uncomfortable as this was for me in the beginning I eventually was able to see how my reactions kept me from learning. I can not let go of something I defend and the other cannot be heard as long as I refuse to acknowledge the effect it had. 

Partners in Problems #2

    Some subjects that need to be talked about are difficult. They feel dangerous to bring up. Confrontation is not something many of us look forward to. When confrontation would flare up somewhere I was often at a loss as to how to deal without an argument. I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. So one day I said that.

“I don’t want to fight with you and I don’t know how to fix this without you. I want a solution that works for both of us.  One we are both okay with."
I said this out of desperation—it was the truth. It opened up a dialog that hadn't been available before. I found it far more fruitful to look for a solution. 
My default position is being right.  It is necessary for me when feeling the energy of confrontation, to remember I am looking for the solution... unless I'm not.

Partners and Problems

Here’s the problem. Two people love each other and usually do well together until what seems right to each, is not in agreement. So how do they keep from arguing with each other over who is right?   


When I am in a relationship with another and we are in disagreement, to the point that the tension can be felt between us. I find my default mode is defensive, meaning I am listening for each place I disagree; I am framing my response to defend my position. I speak/think, using the metaphors of battle. I am now acting as though one of us is right and the other wrong. This does not usually end well in my experience; and rarely produces something I want. In a relationship when one partner has a problem, both are at the effect. I find it is much easier to talk when we have a problem and we are looking for a way to resolve it.

More about this tomorrow - 

Feels real--is it?

   One of the things that caught me off guard often was the automatic way I assumed that because I had some particular feeling the thoughts I had about it were real. If I was angry it followed (in my mind) I had a good reason to be. If I was scared, was the threat real? Observing my reaction to things over time led to some interesting realizations.

My emotions, are real; whether the cause is real or not. My body responds chemically and my breathing changes.  The reality of the sensations brings a sense of reality to the reason(s) that flood my mind. While I might have seen this at times in my life I had not pondered how it was the underpinning to many unnecessary upsets. Feelings were often prompted by familiar signals that I reacted to before there was time to think about the situation. I could be angry because of an assumption I was making. The anger was real whether the assumption was true or not.

This finding for me opened a door to making changes I had not considered before. My emotions happen so much faster than my ability to think things through.  Letting this truth seep in has allowed me to shake lose of some of those automatic upsets I had not known how to release.

Owning our Pettiness

Every once in awhile I would catch sight of my pettiness. 
    Those moments when: I hoped something bad would happen to someone I was angry with; I judged without knowing anything more than some feeling I experienced; I begrudged someone something I didn’t have; I made others wrong for doing the same things. These thoughts and feelings were peppered throughout my life in many forms. They were snippets of negativity.

It did not take long to notice that when I felt successful at something what followed, a bit behind, was some snippet that seemed to cancel out my good deed; by reminding me of a bad one. It was my own self sabotage routine. My ego was forever telling me how good or bad I was. Until I was able to observe it without taking sides it felt like it was me.  

What are you listening for?

Do you listen in a way that creates problems?

Things done habitually fade into a kind of white noise background that I cease being aware of; unless something unusual alerts me and/or I place attention on it. Included in this are the habits of listening acquired over time. I have learned to check in with myself after a conversation goes south, meaning I became defensive, offensive and/or both. I have discovered three common ways I listen that take me where I don’t want to go:

1. I listen to see whether I agreed or not.

2. I listen to see if they thought I was at fault 

   for something.

3. I listen to be right.

It was all about me when that happened. This way of listening is definitely my default setting when my attention is elsewhere. No matter what kind of defense I used it rarely made anything better. It did not produce what I wanted.

I learned to listen for what they were feeling, were the angry, hurt, felt demeaned by some way I had acted? Had I meant to have them feel the way they did? These were different ways to relate to an old problem. If I didn’t want the result I had to try new things. I saw their responses as a combination of what I put out and how they were wired. When I stopped justifying, I caught glimpses of what they had witnessed. I could see how I came off to them. Many times it was unpleasant to look at.

Early in working with this it all happened after the fact. The incident would occur, the reaction would take place and I would blame myself for not knowing how to stop it. Now I’m not so afraid to discover where I have been a bulldozer or a jerk. I’m not so invested in keeping those behaviors any more.