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When We Don't Understand

We like things to fit our sense of reality, but what happens when they don’t?

Many years ago, while visiting my parents, they were giving each other the kind of potshots I had grown up around. When my father said, “Shirley, I’ll never understand you.” What I heard was, no matter how much I’ve told you. You just never get it. That was the moment I realized his words were true, even if their meaning had been changed by his tone.

“That’s right Dad, you don’t.”

He was too hooked by his frustration to hear. For me, it was an ah-ha moment when another piece of the puzzle came together. How many times had I dropped into judgment when I didn’t understand someone? It was more than I could remember. And, like my dad, it was dismissed from mind by the conviction that I was right and they were wrong.

It was a tenacious habit that shut down any further investigation into what was being discussed. Recognizing this did not stop me from being hooked again and again and again. What it did produce was an awareness that would come at times after the fact. My mind would be spinning some familiar theme, where only the names were changed to convict the guilty.

• It was evoked when someone’s behavior did not:
• meet my expectations,
• make sense to me,
• agree with my values,
• conform to what I understood.

Eventually the mind opened to not understanding in a new way. It stopped condemning and slowly pondered what it might be like to see things from another angle. It was freeing to stop defending my perspective and stop needing to understand (agree with) theirs. They offered a view that was unfamiliar, maybe uncomfortable, it did not fit into my sense of reality. Could it be as true for them as mine was true for me?

Here are some things that became apparent for me as the mind allowed for a deeper comprehension of how things were for others.

• We each become angry, frustrated, happy, joyous, disgusted, surprised, etc…
• Not at the same things
• Our expression of these things vary from person to person
• We each each have a full range of emotions—that we often justify and don’t examine.
• Our emotions tend to show up, be evoked, and/or just happen. There does not seem to be much choice involved in them.
• An emotional response has a physical element that is experienced, like adrenaline rushing through one’s system. The response is real regardless of whether the stimulus is or not.

Imagine yourself alone in the woods when you hear something you think             is a bear. The fear experienced is real, whether there is real danger or not. (Yet we tend to believe the feeling.)

Do We Know Better?

photo by narghee-la

I was sitting with a woman the other day who was busy telling me of her failings. Of how she knew better and didn’t understand why she kept making the same mistake.

It was true—she did not understand. And yet the unspoken message of her tone was one of self judgment, not that of someone who had more to learn.

“She knew better” she said, judging herself and dismissing all the other competing feelings and thoughts. Her body slumping, in its own response. I have been in that place too many times not to recognize it. Thinking about what I should have done—mad at myself for not doing it different.

Do we know better? Aren’t there different levels of knowing? Intellectual knowledge, without experience cannot produce the same understanding as that with experience. In the doing comes the understanding. This is how the nutrients of knowledge are digested.

Judging ourself by the standard of know better, when in fact, we have not put in the time breaking an old pattern can, and often does, short circuit our effort to learn. Think about this: when you have actually learned something better, don’t you use it?

Like an addiction, habitual ways of operating are the defaults that come to us in the moment. They take effort to overcome and time is a factor. In the realm of behavioral changes it is useful to understand what one is up against. Who amongst us has not tried to change some behavior only to discover how persistent it can be? How it happens before we think, or the will power we need in the moment is not there.

It is not unusual to find a default setting of judgment toward ourself and/or others when expectations are not met. Check it out for yourself. How often does judgment toward your self or others produce what you want?

Learning to be patient with yourself and others is not easy. It does however allow one to observe behavior, without falling into the sinkhole of judgment. Learning to think before speaking is easier said than done. Learning to act in another way comes through practice and making mistakes. Ease up on yourself… and others.

What Are You Aiming For - Win/Lose or Resolution

There you are in the middle of an argument you are poised to deliver the quintessential response. You do. You won… but what did you win?

I suspect most of us have been on one side of this, or the other.

Difficult conversations, tend to be with those close to us. They often seem to erupt; causing more problems than solutions. The eruption confirms our fear of discussing it in the first place. This scenario can have many variations. It fundamentally forms a pattern that keeps us stuck in frustration and resentment; not knowing how to be different. If this sounds familiar to you and you are looking for some alternatives here are some things to think about.

When a conversation becomes about yes/no, right/wrong, good/bad, it is in duality. Do not mistake this for seeking resolution. It has become about winning and losing. Is this the direction your heart wants to take? Remember, the attitude of the arrow determines the direction it takes.

Why is it we tell people things they don’t want to hear AND we want them to be okay with it? Are we okay with it? It can be incredibly uncomfortable to just be with another’s upset? Do you have room to let them have their feelings? Do you want them to let you have yours?

A common default assumption is: people consciously intend to hurt or offend us. Investigating this has led me to believe that the internal intention is born of wanting to back the other off. How one is affected by that is the collateral damage, not the intent. They don’t get up saying how can I get them. This does not stop it from happening, so what to do about it?

Here is a question I have found invaluable, when someone I care about is doing something that is upsetting for me. 

Did you know, when you do________________ I feel______________. Is that what you meant to have happen? Whatever the answer is (I usually found it to be no.) Ask them if they would be willing to not do that, or do it another way? When doing this from sincerity I find people to be open and engaging with me. If they say yes, I follow it up with; would it be okay to remind you, if you forget?  If they say no, it is good information to have. 

This is a tool I have used for many years now and found it works far better than my win/lose default that left me feeling empty all too often. If you try this out, please let me know how it works for you.  


Photo by Craig Loftus on flicker

7 Reasons to try Acceptance

My husband has Alzheimer’s disease. It has been eight years since we learned this. The changes have been slow and fluctuating. Perhaps this is why, the word, acceptance has been popping up in my life in so many places.

At any moment we can be changed by events beyond our control, no one escapes this possibility. The changes can take us up and/or down. (Though the ones that take us up seem to slip from mind faster than the ones bring us down.) How one navigates these changes, generates their experience.

Accepting people, places and things as they are, and/or lamenting about how one thinks they should be, reveals what is often obscured. Our part—in how we experience our life.

Seven things to think about regarding acceptance.

1. Once the actuality of something is accepted, determining the next best move has room to show up.
2. A problem unacknowledged, is rarely solved. Good fortune unacknowledged leads to entitlement.
3. Acceptance and agreement are not synonymous, one does not necessitate the other.
4. What I don’t accept, I usually resist.
5. Resistance tends to hold things in place.
6. Suffering is born of resistance to what is and what is not.
7. Pain, whether physical, emotional or mental is an indicator, not a conviction. `

3 Ways to Learn More

NOVEMBER 27, 1949 It is not necessary to give up one's own point of view, nor to agree with other people just because one likes them. From my point of view, what makes the work of a group much more interesting than that of an individual, is that each person should find in himself his own sincere viewpoint, which is peculiarly his, and contribute it to the whole— in this way the whole becomes rich and balanced.           Rodney Collin Smith

Sounds good. Putting it into practice has been more difficult than imagined. It requires remembering to let in what the other say, to imagine their perspective, and add it while respecting my own. This is not my default position.

A common default way of listening is, do I agree or disagree, am I right or wrong. It is the all or nothing position of duality. Listening as a collaborative experience can be uncomfortable. Internally it brings a physical and emotional tension that cues my defenses--wanted or not. It costs the ability to learn about myself and others.

Taming the instant, aggressive/defensive reactions that charge my body and ready it for retort, is a work in progress. Holding back a reaction and doing something different takes an effort that needs to be developed. 


Here are some things I have found helpful.

1. Listen for information rather than agreement.

2. Recognize different positions reflect what is seen by the viewer. 


Imagine a ball that is red on one side and blue on the other. Two people are             standing on either side of the ball, one seeing only red, the other only blue. They are arguing over who is right. This represents a fundamental difficulty we have in effective communication.

3. Notice ego is often dominant when one is speaking from duality.

Mining Upsets - Finding Gold

It was years before realizing the wealth of knowledge available from upsets. Upsets often formed my attitude. The more upsets, the worse the attitude. They were the bane of my happiness, until…  discovering how ripe they were with information.

Know thyself is an old adage dating back to the Oracle of Delphi. Great idea, but how does one go about it? How does one examine without bias, without the duality of good and bad, right and wrong? My mind went there like a wheel finds a rut. Finding a way out of the rut seemed to take place in stages.

The first element came when, one day in an instant, my mood shifted from excited to deflated in seconds. It was startling.  There was a dual experience of both having the experience and watching it at the same time.  It happened like this. 

I had written a letter to handle an out of state speeding ticket; and was feeling proud of myself. When my husband arrived home for lunch I showed it to him. He reached for the red pen in his pocket protector and began making corrections. Each red line dropped me lower.

Form the eyes of the witness within came a question I have carried with me from that day forward. What just happened to me? The question took me back to an incident I hadn’t thought of in over 30 years. It was an old and familiar reaction. The observation was intriguing. I had not noticed the automatic way one mood usurped another. It just happened and usually I thought the mood was me.

The question set me on a different course; one that revealed a different perspective. It was a fresh angle that brought old information into a new light, opening a path to self understanding and compassion rather than judgment. I was learning rather than reaffirming a perspective that had not served me in the past, nor did I think it could in my future. It was the beginning of what I have named my neutral observer within. 

3 Barriers to Learning

Once in awhile I would see something that had alluded me for years. I spent the first 40 years of my life without noticing how fruitless many of my strategies were. Not that I recognized them as strategies at the time. 

When other’s upset me, my reaction was often to let them know the error of their ways. I wanted them to do something different… they needed to change. The fact that this rarely if ever changed things seemed to escape me. Then one day I saw the underlying assumption I had accepted. If I could get others to behave the way I wanted, I would not have to feel what I didn’t want to feel. As soon as I was able to but it together in that way, the absurdity of it struck me.

Another ah-ha came when I realized I was often defending behavior I did not like in others or want in myself. This was difficult to stop as it felt like losing to not give my reasons and justifications. It took some work to keep excuses from leaking out of my mouth. It was however, eye opening and vital to discovering my part in what wasn’t working.

Last for today, and perhaps the most empowering to me, was the discovery that when my opinion differed from another’s and they were right it did not automatically mean I was wrong. Learning to learn from differences and to add perspectives continues to enrich my understanding.  

One Way to Avoid Self Sabotage

One of the more frequent ways I self sabotage is related to self judgment and the lack of a clear distinction between what I think I know, and what I’m skilled at… and how they relate to each other.

Here is an example: Suppose I am an airplane buff; I’ve read everything I could find about flying planes. I consider myself quite knowledgeable in this area. Imagine I had even been up in a plane, in the co-pilots seat a couple of times and watched another fly. I have even taken the wheel. I know the rules and all about the plane I want to fly. Would you want to go on a flight with me piloting the plane?

If you said yes; I hope your life insurance is paid up.

When it comes to dealing with people and situations that stir up my emotions. I frequently think I (should) know how to do something different. The thought alone can be enough to drop me into defeat and/or defense.

Knowing and doing, together, produce quite different results than either alone. Together I develop understanding (knowledge and experience).

Yet, time after time after time, I spoke from an unnoticed assumption; since I knew better, I should do better. In speaking/thinking from that position my focus slipped back to judgment of myself and/or the other. Judge and jury yammered in my mind about what was wrong with me and/or the other. They came uninvited; distracting me from self observation.

The more I watched this behavior the less I wanted it. It finally dawned on me that when I actually digested something, it became a part of me that was available when I needed it. Until that time it lived as a concept in the domain of my mind. It had not become part of my being. When what I know has not permeated my being, thinking I know already sabotages my effort to learn.

When a toddler is learning to walk, I don’t make him wrong for falling down. I assure him he needs to keep trying. If he walked yesterday and falls today, I don’t think he is bad. Learning to treat my own work from that same place keeps me from sabotaging my efforts. I invite you to try it.

Be kind to yourself it will help you understand others.  

Distinctions Empower Us

Distinctions are to understanding, like glasses are to distorted vision. Whatever field someone is in, from sheep herding to brain surgery, has distinctions that allow seeing and understanding what another does not. When there is a problem with my car, I assure you, the mechanic and I do not see the same things when we look at the engine. Self-knowledge is no different.

Until having a distinction between my emotional and intellectual functions. I was unclear as to why it was difficult to control my temper. What I thought intellectually had negligible force when my emotions felt otherwise. Only when I recognized them as distinct and interdependent functions, each with its own domain, was I able to make sense of some of my behaviors.

The intellect is laboriously slow compared to the emotions. To examine an upset that took place in moments, can take hours, even days to put words to all that was felt. The disparity of speed between these functions requires working with each in a different way. Expecting my thoughts to be able to control my emotions was akin to thinking I could operate on land the same way I did in water. Each domain has its own requirements and until I was able to recognize them, I remained ineffective. Making an intellectual decision does not insure my ability to overrule a habitual, emotional response. The response is evoked faster than the mind is aware.

When adding the distinction of the instinctive function, and how transparently it influenced my behaviors I came to see what I was up against in the area of behavior changes. Who among us has not had their attempt to diet thwarted when their desire to eat overcame the decision to diet?

I learned not to expect my intellect to overcome a habitual response that originated in either my instinctive and/or emotional function. It helped me see that each function had its own language and requirements; that change took agreement between the functions. This particular distinction has given me a foothold on how to let go of many things that were not working in my life. Patience, practice and premeditation were necessary when dealing with emotions. Logic was but a small piece of the work required.

3 Things to Steer Clear Of

Fostering negativity is as wise as walking alone in a bad neighborhood at night. The chances of coming out of either unscathed is questionable. Negativity is an undeniable aspect of life that left unnoticed drags one through misery. Just as the eyes are drawn to an accident, there is a temptation to wallow in misfortune. Many among us have spent enough time there to be familiar with the experience. Mine was the story of the victim.

The sad tale of an abandoned child. It was used to justify the rage I carried as a young adult. It supported feeling righteous and hid my part behind excuses Seeing life as a victim  made acts of anger at others acceptable, even deserved. 

Another sink hole to avoid is negative imagination. This is where bad outcomes are conjured in the mind, one after another. It is me making up what something means, what someone thinks, maybe what they will do.  The mind plays out unwanted scenarios spinning problems in every direction. It did not occur to me to imagine what I wanted. My default position was to imagine the worst outcomes, the ones I didn’t want.

The third, for today, is resentments. They show up often when feeling  obligated (it’s the right thing to do) and not appreciated. It can be the agreement to do something and later feeling duped, used, and/or unappreciated. Like a slight of hand misdirection it keeps the focus external. Resentments are sometimes the result of not being able to say no when I need to. And, as long as I focus on them, I am not figuring out how I might have set my boundaries.

How do you stay out of negativity? 
It would be wonderful to know how you combat any of these scenarios. 

Releasing Jealousy

Childhood left me with trust issues that followed me into marriage. Divorce, dating and drinking did nothing to improve my ability to trust others or myself. Lack of trust fueled cynicism, temper and lowered my tolerance of others. It was an attitude that viewed the situation as though others were the cause of my feelings. They were not trustworthy, they didn’t do what they said, they were the problem. It resulted in jealousy, and trying to control things—none of it was pleasant.

A friend asked the other day if I had ever been jealous, and if so, what I did about it. Lack of trust and jealousy often hang out together.

“Do you think he is honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“So, it’s not about him, as much as it is about your fears?”

 She thought about that and realized her experience of him was that everything was good. When she was scared, though, she would find herself trying to make sure he was not doing anything that would bring up those feelings. It wasn’t about not trusting him—it was about a way to relieve her anxiety. She didn’t feel safe in certain circumstances so she tried to eliminate them. It reinforced her sense of not trusting him.

Having had similar circumstances, I shared with her how we worked through it together.  Pretending it wasn't troubling didn't work.  However, recognizing it was the anxiety it brought up that motivated my behaviors revealed my part.  He might be the trigger and the was fears, my history were the source.  Learning how to talk about my part rather than his resulted in being heard, rather than words of justifications. 


 Short circuiting this reaction required his help while moving through the emotional turbulence I seemed to have no control over. There seemed to be no way to control the negative imagination, until he could hear me and not defend himself. I had to be able to share with him and have him hear my fears, without blaming him. I wanted to let go of things that weren’t working. I wanted a partner, not someone to monitor.

Once I was able to establish my intention to let go of these fears—he was more than willing to work with me. He did not have those kind of fears. 

It was often uncomfortable for me, as he had more women friends that men. It gave me many insights into my reactions and is a piece of work that has benefited me tenfold. Amazing what can happen, when I find my part and work on it.

Tired of Resolutions - Try an Aim

Over many a New Year I found resolutions about as successful for me as diets. They work, until I eat the wrong thing and default to all or nothing thinking. My pattern is to judge myself harshly, lump this action into failing, and then seem to have a free pass to quit my diet.

I find thinking about it as an aim gives me more leeway to see my slips from a different angle. It acts more like a thermostat. My friend Jim had a great analogy about this. Imagine the thermostat is set for 72 degrees. When the temp drops to 70 the heat comes on, if it reaches 74 the cooling comes on. It adjusts, making corrections. This is the idea behind an aim. IT IS NOT ABOUT INSTANT PERFECTION. It is about noticing where you are, in relation to your aim. It is about learning to make as Jim would say, “in flight corrections.”

My first aim in 1979 was to learn how to quit arguing with my teenage daughter. I used a question, I asked myself when I was angry; Do you want to be right or do you want this relationship to work? Yes, there were times I forgot the question, but when I did the results I produced quickly reminded me of what my aim had been. Over time the question came faster and with more reliability. Learning how to speak without the upset and righteousness took me many a year before I felt I had a decent handle on it. The thing was, I started to discover how to address problems from a new place. It was a great first aim for me. It was something I desperately wanted. I kept that aim for three years.

Here is what I learned about aims. They need to be something I sincerely want. They needed to be simply stated and easily remembered. If I had to go find it, it was forgotten. It needs to give me a direction, not an ultimatum. It was useful to me in times of uncertainty.

My aim for this year? I find it best to not share my aim with but a few. Sharing it seems to weaken it for me. I tried some I should aims, but did poorly with them. Here is an aim I found useful, to be kind. Sarcasm and kindness didn’t mix well, and learning to make the shift changed my life.

Having trouble finding an aim? Maybe I can help.