What Are You Aiming For - Win/Lose or Resolution

There you are in the middle of an argument you are poised to deliver the quintessential response. You do. You won… but what did you win?

I suspect most of us have been on one side of this, or the other.

Difficult conversations, tend to be with those close to us. They often seem to erupt; causing more problems than solutions. The eruption confirms our fear of discussing it in the first place. This scenario can have many variations. It fundamentally forms a pattern that keeps us stuck in frustration and resentment; not knowing how to be different. If this sounds familiar to you and you are looking for some alternatives here are some things to think about.

When a conversation becomes about yes/no, right/wrong, good/bad, it is in duality. Do not mistake this for seeking resolution. It has become about winning and losing. Is this the direction your heart wants to take? Remember, the attitude of the arrow determines the direction it takes.

Why is it we tell people things they don’t want to hear AND we want them to be okay with it? Are we okay with it? It can be incredibly uncomfortable to just be with another’s upset? Do you have room to let them have their feelings? Do you want them to let you have yours?

A common default assumption is: people consciously intend to hurt or offend us. Investigating this has led me to believe that the internal intention is born of wanting to back the other off. How one is affected by that is the collateral damage, not the intent. They don’t get up saying how can I get them. This does not stop it from happening, so what to do about it?

Here is a question I have found invaluable, when someone I care about is doing something that is upsetting for me. 

Did you know, when you do________________ I feel______________. Is that what you meant to have happen? Whatever the answer is (I usually found it to be no.) Ask them if they would be willing to not do that, or do it another way? When doing this from sincerity I find people to be open and engaging with me. If they say yes, I follow it up with; would it be okay to remind you, if you forget?  If they say no, it is good information to have. 

This is a tool I have used for many years now and found it works far better than my win/lose default that left me feeling empty all too often. If you try this out, please let me know how it works for you.  


Photo by Craig Loftus on flicker