Do We Know Better?

photo by narghee-la

I was sitting with a woman the other day who was busy telling me of her failings. Of how she knew better and didn’t understand why she kept making the same mistake.

It was true—she did not understand. And yet the unspoken message of her tone was one of self judgment, not that of someone who had more to learn.

“She knew better” she said, judging herself and dismissing all the other competing feelings and thoughts. Her body slumping, in its own response. I have been in that place too many times not to recognize it. Thinking about what I should have done—mad at myself for not doing it different.

Do we know better? Aren’t there different levels of knowing? Intellectual knowledge, without experience cannot produce the same understanding as that with experience. In the doing comes the understanding. This is how the nutrients of knowledge are digested.

Judging ourself by the standard of know better, when in fact, we have not put in the time breaking an old pattern can, and often does, short circuit our effort to learn. Think about this: when you have actually learned something better, don’t you use it?

Like an addiction, habitual ways of operating are the defaults that come to us in the moment. They take effort to overcome and time is a factor. In the realm of behavioral changes it is useful to understand what one is up against. Who amongst us has not tried to change some behavior only to discover how persistent it can be? How it happens before we think, or the will power we need in the moment is not there.

It is not unusual to find a default setting of judgment toward ourself and/or others when expectations are not met. Check it out for yourself. How often does judgment toward your self or others produce what you want?

Learning to be patient with yourself and others is not easy. It does however allow one to observe behavior, without falling into the sinkhole of judgment. Learning to think before speaking is easier said than done. Learning to act in another way comes through practice and making mistakes. Ease up on yourself… and others.